Self Portrait Tuesday: Personal History

Five.
I remember being five. I remember my yougest sister being born and what that meant being the oldest of four siblings already. I remember going to kindergarten and being too scared to speak. I remember dressing up in silk 'nighties' and having tea parties with my grandmother.

Five.
Five years ago. Those first moments, and that first year of parenting. How it was all so new and unfamiliar, and how we stumbled along--sometimes falling and sometimes with grace, until we all found our way together. And how, still, with the oldest, it's always 'new' at each age--we'll always be figuring it out together, as we go.

Five.
Five Years Old. With Cal turning five last week, I've been on a bit of an emotional ride. Five feels so old--so not a toddler, but a full-on kid. A kid! There's a certain amount of flight that I feel like is taking place right now--I mean, really, I've been feeling it since his birth--the stretch towards some kind of independence and autonomy, and then the retreat back. The cycle keeps repeating. But at the moment I'm feeling the stretch, and it's so bittersweet. His first 'drop off' class (theater, naturally)--experiences and memories that are so totally his, and I'm not a part of. The seperation. And then the need for the retreat 'home'.

Self Portrait Tuesday bloggers here and here.

Comments

[KiWi]

Holy Cow, I thought I was the only kid who ever dressed up in Grandma's nighties and had tea parties. Apparently, it's a sort of future crafter rite of passage. who knew?
I feel you pain. My baby is 7.

[Gemma Grace]

A lovely, lovely awareness of how the thread called 5 weaves itself into the fabric of our lives. Beautifully written. Thank you sweet Amanda :)

[lisa]

five is my favorite number. i love your perm.

[Kerstin]

I still remember the out-of-body feeling of putting my first five year old on the bus. He had never been out of my sight before and there he was with nose pressed against the window going off to school. Waiting at the bus stop on the second day, he made a request. "Mom, please don't kiss me when the bus comes anymore." Well! I was a bit stunned, but also proud. Proud that he knew what he needed to feel comfortable and that he was able to verbalize it.

There are no guarantees in this parenting business so when I see my children growing into people I admire, those bittersweet feelings become but a distant memory.

Happy birthday!

[Alison in Australia]

I'm a new visitor to your blog, and have just been back and read from the beginning. I've come away so inspired and with my heart full after reading your beautiful words. And I have to join in with 'I know how you feel' about kids growing up - my eldest boy is 8, my DD is 4.5, and my DS just turned 3 on the weekend. I cannot believe that my babies aren't babies anymore, and every day I find something even more amazing about them (when they're not driving me nuts, that is!!). I'm the same age as you, so I was a young mum too, and I love it. Even though I'm on my own with them now, I wouldn't change anything for the world.

[melissa]

This is a lovely self-portrait Tuesday- the thread of 'five' in your life right now. I too(?) am the eldest of five children- I remember my younger siblings being five too!
I'm looking forward to Arlo being that age, but still only partly believe that he will ever be that 'old'! But it sounds as though this time goes faster than one imagines.

[kristen]

I think 5 is a big turning point too. I remember being 5 years old and I think it's really, the first time I remember distinctly periods & moments of time. This is a great SPT!

[Wren]

So eloquently expressed, always a pleasure to read your words.

[jean]

Amanda, the picture of you with Calvin as a baby is wonderful. It is beautiful on its own, but also for what it will mean to both of you as Calvin (and you) get older. I look back at photos of Des at that age and am stunned. I frequently joke with him that someday soon he won't want as many hugs and kisses from his mom. He assures me that he will ALWAYS want them, and I hope that is true. When they are young we know every inch of their bodies. But someday that will not be the case. It will be bittersweet to be sure.

[Viv]

Beautiful post. I'm already feeling the pulling away with my daughter at 2 1/2. But then, she'll feel the distance too, and like last night, tell me she wants to "be the baby" and snuggle up close.

[hannah]

im not ready! we just hit four last weekend, and already i am peering ahead to five. i need to stop and enjoy this year instead of fret it away. i love the thread of this post, and the reflection photo. so many memories...1976 was a good year friend!

[baby sister]

you were such a cute little girl :)

[Trish]

Lovely SPT. The 5 series is very interesting and thought provokng.

[~Vicki]

amanda, you've said so eloquently what i think every mother and child feels. beautiful post, thanks for sharing your thoughts and family.

[~Vicki]

p.s. and you were a dang cute 5-YO and you're a dang good mommy too!

[Toni]

I have felt, and will feel again every inch of what you were communicating. My oldest is 19, and my baby is 4.5-- Bittersweet is exactly it, but some days it just feels plain bitter.

[Blair]

Such nice words, and how true they ring with me. I still love and awe at the "firsts" we continue to experience with our 7 yr old. She feels like so much more of a pal when the two of us are out together now, but then something will remind me of how wee she can still be. Thankfully.

[Melissa]

Soulemama, I have been working on a new project that I'd like to send to you as I really enjoy reading your blog. Would you mind sending me your snail mail to my email address? melduzan@chaska.net Thanks, Melissa

By the way, if you could pick colors of buttons you'd really like what would they be?

[brandie]

i love this post amanda! so sweet. and it amazes me how much all your babies look so much alike, and so much like you!

my baby is five. i have such a hard time letting go, too. she will be six in a couple of months and that number seems so unreal...way too old for this little girl of mine!

[jess]

A wonderful SPT entry. Well done!

[tania]

wow! isnt life amazing? so many fives for me still ahead too.
a beautfil post-
:)

[pip]

I love the second picture of you with the little guy. It really does look so fresh and young, to go along with your progression there.

[maria]

beautiful post.

[Alicia]

My Jack turned 5 on the 17th. Pride and sadness all wrapped up together- you express it so well.

I'm new to the blogging world- I'm going to try to do your corners thing tomorrow. Is it ok to link to you? I'm still trying to figure out the right blogging etiquette.

[Sandra Dodd]

I've linked back to here from a page about cake, and used one of your photos there:
sandradodd.com/cake

I found your beautiful blog by following links from Ren Allen's page, radicalunschooling.blogspot.com.